A feeling of frailty

Every once in awhile I have these feelings of deep inadequecy. As a composer, I am always in awe of my contemporaries, even if they are 15 years older or more. The best I can do is immerse myself in as much music as possible and find my own way of saying things with my music. Last year, I performed The Ecstacies Above, a brilliant piece for choir and string quartet by the amazing young Scottish composer Tarik O'Regan. The first time I heard the music I was floored. The premise is so simple, but his ability to mix layers and just his overall ear for harmony is impeccable. I was just so jealous of the talent he posesses, and it makes me work harder to develop works that I feel would even come close to the beauty that these modern works evoke. In high school, I was taken aback by the brilliant work of Morten Lauridsen, and he's still one of my biggest influences. When I first got to college, I discovered the work of Eric Whitacre and was blown away by his innate grasp of how to make things sound beautiful. These composers are still working today, putting out the masterpieces that will be played 100 years from now. I want to have the depth of emotion that they have, I want to be able to write a piece of music that stirs the soul of a person who listens. I want to write a chord that will make the hair on your neck stand up, give you goosebumps, and make you fall in love with music all over again. I don't know if I ever will, but I will spend my life trying to condense my experience into my music. I have a good start, but where do I go next? I guess this is where the inadequecy steps in...how do I take the next step? Where is the difference between genius and hard work? Is my inspiration as good as anyone else's? I think the only thing I can do is pour my soul into the music, and let whatever happens...happen.